(As this is my journey, it may not follow others' ideas of what a widow's life looks like. If you disagree with my writings, you don't have to read this.)
I am a ferocious reader; I looked for every book my library had or could order on becoming widowed. Most had practical advice on finances and how to move on alone.
I was in my 40s when the reset button was hit—three daughters in school. Most books would talk about young widows under 45. It is a niche who knew. However, it would speak of situations where they became a widow/widower because their partners had been deployed; this holds an entirely different set of rules. Or in your 60s and beyond and pour all your energy into the grandkids. What grandkids? What?
What I found interesting and somewhat lacking is that there is no mention of a sex life. This happens for people that break up or divorce; I see that practically in the headlines as if for people in those situations, that's all the support they need.
Society doesn't tell those people to hold up in their homes to think of nothing but their dead spouse. You are encouraged to get back out there and find a new soulmate. I am not talking about a month or year later, and on that note, everyone is different. If someone else moved on and found happiness a month or year later, who am I to judge? I am not on their journey, nor are they on mine. Widows are to build a shrine and never move past being his wife. I understand that in some cultures, this is expected, and a widow is revered. I respect that.
That felt like a life sentence to me. I have another 50-plus years left on this planet. My daughters have built lives, and I refuse to have them change parts of their journey because they are worried about me being alone.
Men have an easier time. The norm says move on; you have a life yet to live. My knowledge around this comes from reading and researching and having a man who lived it firsthand able to give me his experience as he began his journey a few years back.
Even with death in this day and age, women are not supposed to be sexual beings. Again this is my experience, and I'm sure many reading this have experienced something different in fact, I hope they have; I find this narrow view exasperating.
The books don't tell you about when you meet someone, and it clicks. That there aren't just two families coming together, there are 4. Your parents, their parents, your former in-laws, their former in-laws, my friends, his friends. Every person was directly affected by my loss and his.
I was invited to his son's wedding very early in our relationship; I would like to add that his son was open and honest with me from day one. I know my relationship with him has created a deeper bond with my partner, as does his relationship with my daughters. All the kids could see the genuine, authentic love Glen and I have for one another, and they all fully support us.
Back to the glorious wedding, it was fairy-tale perfect, watching two people come together that are respectful and loving and in a healthy relationship.
And what was very apparent to me and everyone else was who wasn't there. The grandparents were missing their daughter, the guests were missing their friend, and the son and daughter were missing their mother. Glen's sense of loss was palpable to me. I acutely understood the feeling that his son's wedding was to be celebrated with the mother of his child. This was their first BIG milestone without her. Unfortunately, by this time, I had done so many milestones alone that I had lost count. I could have declined the invitation; however, my community taught me that declining an invitation or a gift is disrespectful.
Now 18 months later, I am so thankful I attended because we have been in one another's lives for a very long time. The juxtaposition of the pain and joy, oh so much joy for the whole family. I did not know more than four people at this wedding, and I met some of the most critical people in Glen's life that day. At times I felt alone and very overwhelmed, but not once did I not feel like it was wrong for me to be there. I heard beautiful speeches about their marriage and how it was to be aspired to. How can that possibly be something I shouldn't hear? This man is extraordinary, he had a fantastic marriage, and now I benefit from this.
Comments