The other day I was thinking, what if he hadn't died? I know it's common to think about the life not lived. This is a very simple definition of grief.
We planned to retire and build a cabin along the river, spend the day enjoying life and trying to outfish each other.
But my thoughts went to all the things that have happened since he left my life. If he was still alive, would I have gone to school, left my job, moved, learnt how to become a better surfer, started my counselling practice, joined the fire department, and become a licensed emergency responder?
Honestly, the only one I think or would like to think would have happened would have been the surfing part. Because I was happily content, and that brings complacency. I wouldn't have felt the need to search for education, find a new job, start a new career, or be vulnerable with someone new. I wouldn't have been as brave. I can say that with certainty. I didn't need much courage to be married to him, we had a good life, and I didn't need to look for more at that time. Filling the days with everyday things, work, and raising our three daughters.
Having your future torn away in a split second changes a person. Sometimes there is unexpected good that happens. Do I think my growth and change out weights my sense of loss and grief? Absolutely not, but there is a blue sky through the clouds on this one. My life is so vastly different than what I thought it would be. If you asked my younger self what the future hold, I would have said that as soon as I get my journalism degree, I"m heading to where there's conflict in the world so I can report on it. And here I sit in a beautiful relationship with a man that served overseas and said the war correspondents were the most significant pain in his ass because they were nuts and wouldn't listen to orders and constantly just about got their ass and his shot off. Irony possibly.
If it's possible, think about the person you are right now in this moment. The things you have done since their passing, the things you had to do even when you didn't want to. The possibilities and opportunities that have come since.
It literally changes your brain chemistry; this person writing now is entirely new. I wonder what he'd think.
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