In the last few months in my practice, I have noticed a theme, confidence, what is it, how do I get it, and more importantly, how do I keep it? Often significant changes in our lives shake that foundation of confidence. As do the words from people we care about.
Storytime friends, I have a saying that all my clients, friends, and family have heard from me at one point or another.
Comparison is the thief of joy, and I use it often; it is one of my mantras as well as I am enough; however, I did not coin this phrase. My grandmother uttered those words to me for the first time.
Picture the early 1980s; she visited us from Haida Gwaii while we lived in Kelowna. I was in grade 8 or 9. For those of you that know me, I was this height and already fully developed; okay, on a 53-year-old woman, that's all good, but it's tricky terrain for the brain and lack of years on earth for a 13-year-old. I can handle the male gaze now, but I have had it on me for 40 years.
My mother had her issues and often projected, so the words big, too tall, hips two axe handles across were used frequently. I have no idea if my sister had been told the same words. We have not spoken of it; perhaps after this, we will. My mother was a little, 5 1" on a good day, curvy, had a big bust and used all female attributes to her advantage. I understand now that was a trauma response, but I digress; this is a story about yours truly.
I had come home from school sad because I didn't look like all the other girls; now, I played sports and excelled at them, so I was not unpopular, had friends, and was accepted in school. However, all the guys saw me as their buddy, which isn't bad; I still consider several guys my best friends. Okay, Michelle, stay on track here.
I went downstairs to my room; my grandmother was down there doing laundry; she came into my room and asked what was wrong. Some context for those that didn't know my grandmother, Helen, was also very tall, not where I am, but tall for her generation. It's the Viking DNA in us. I told her I would always be more significant, taking up more space, not these little women that men seemed to like. I could go on about the patriarchy, but today, I will refrain.
She sat down on a chair and looked at me. Her first question is, "Why do you want to be like everyone else? That stumped me; I answered, "Maybe I don't want to be like them, but I don't want to be like me." The nickname Stretch drove me up the wall; for all my Kelowna hooligans that I am still in touch with.
She sighed and said," Shelly, (on that note) :NO ONE calls me Shelly except her and my other grandmother ,who passed on.
"Those girls, the ones you call little, it's the flavour of the day. However, you are built to survive; our ancestors needed strong women; they were warriors. Stop comparing yourself. You will never be like them." I was crushed; what was she saying? Not the pep talk I needed.
"You are unique; not everyone can be like you; in fact, less population is as tall as you or built like you. Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop trying to be anyone else; be the best you. "
I remember looking at her and saying, " How."
Shelly, when you walk into a room, head up and never try to sneak into it; trust me, people notice when you walk into a room. Be proud, be thankful, and take care of yourself; you will grow into this body.
She got up to leave and turned around, saying. " One more thing, which is the most important for you to remember. Never, ever go out without sunscreen on, every season."I want to thank my grandmother for that, I do it every day, and my skin shows it. My daughters have had the same thing drilled into their heads.
Today is more complicated than it was for me; social media is crippling. If you find yourself seeing those photoshopped AI lenses overly used all over your feed, put the phone away and begin to cultivate healthy images on your platforms. The more you work on yourself, the more you find gratitude for what your body can do, every year you gain, and every morning you wake up; it's a gift. You deserve the best life and to live as the best you.
Lastly, you don't get to decide what someone else likes; as a good friend has said to me, yes, Alicia, I am quoting you, "Don't yuck my yum." Just because you don't find that body part attractive doesn't stop someone else from seeing it as exquisite. I will say the view from up here, all 5 '11 of me, is pretty damn good. Go live your life confidently.
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